The last few years have been pretty rough ones. My separation and divorce, being a part-time Dad, working the worst hours known to man, living in a state sleep deprivation trying to keep up with it all. My teenage kids have disowned me (my son sent me an email before Thanksgiving telling me so and what a horrible person / father I am, my daughter still smiles and talks to me because she has to.) and tell the little ones “their truth” about me. It’s a constant walk on eggshells which I can’t yell or discipline them. Well this last week there has been a lot of deep discussion in my house (where I live not where my kids live) and it has come to light that maybe “I’m” the problem my family member went on a rant talking about how I am a horrible person to live with, “You don’t do anything but eat, sleep, and make trash.” So that got me thinking maybe this is why my Ex asked me to leave in the first place, maybe I am the root of all the unhappiness in the lives around me. Sure would explain a lot why my kids barely want anything to do with me. Why my Ex has SO MUCH venom toward me. Why most of my relationships are online. Why 99% of the contact I have with people is initiated by me. I must be the most rotten piece of Shit there is if no one would bother to say “Hey how are you doing?” if I didn’t say it first.
So sitting here thinking what to do about it. I just think that everyone would be better off not hearing from me ever again. But then I know my Ladybugs Love me even though I am the worst father ever. I just wonder if I’m damaging them more by being in their life this way. I wish I knew a better way to be for them, but I think I’m being a good father. But if everyone is telling me I’m the problem then maybe I am the problem. At this moment I’m so lost right now I don’t know what to do.
It has been a long night and I’m weary maybe sleep will bring answers. Maybe prayer. I don’t know. I just know I Love my girls and its ripping my heart out that they and the rest of the people around me just don’t seem to want me there.